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rinkhcTitle: Staying
Fandom: Original Fiction - Lizards ‘verse
Series: Kat’s Therapy Journal
Prompt: Blackmail
Medium: FIC
Rating: Gen
Word Count: 751
Summary: Katrin reflects on her first marriage
Content Notes: No standard notes apply
22nd Brathos, 5434
Subject: Why I Didn’t Leave?
Why didn’t I leave Mahrc Harisse when I realized what kind of husband and father he was?
It seems like an easy question, but it really isn’t. Mahrc was my friend, we went to school together, we worked together, we were teammates. It was a natural progression to go from friends to dating to marriage. Looking back, I realize that I chose the wrong friend to pursue romance with, but it is easy to do that now, looking back through the eyes of age. Yeah, I should have gone with Hauck, but I chose Mahrc. What can I say? I was a foolish girl and chose poorly.
I didn’t know I was unhappy because I had no basis of comparison at the time.
So why did I stay? Early on, it was because he was still my friend and things had not gotten that bad yet. He was also still my commanding officer and our team leader. I had to work with him, I had learned to work with him over the years and that extended to living with him, I learned how to get on with a minimum of fuss.
I didn’t understand what it meant for him to be a Calvist. I didn’t have a religious upbringing the way he did. I didn’t understand how big a part of him and his way of thinking his faith really was. By the time I did comprehend the scope, it was too late. I was carrying our first child, Tia.
Honestly, I couldn’t leave because he wouldn’t let me. He threatened to take the baby away from me if I tried to go, he even made threats about having me deported back to Gallia, and told me he would never let me see Tia again. Rather than make waves, or risk losing my child, I stayed and made nice. I found a way to live with him.
It’s very easy to point the faults out now. Easy to pick apart my first husband and our relationship and find the holes and the problems. But I wasn’t truly miserable. I just wasn’t fulfilled at the time. As long as I didn’t try to go against his wishes, everything was fine between us. There was just that threat of losing my children if I tried to go, though he never mentioned it aloud after that first argument.
Chase makes up for all the years I didn’t have a loving and nurturing partner. He really is my partner. We share everything. We have this life that we’re building together. That is new for me. He doesn’t like hearing about how things were with Mahrc, the things that I put up with, the way I was treated. It makes him angry on my behalf. Any time he finds something out, hears it from me or someone else, he makes this angry face that I’ve started calling his “I Hate Harrisse Face” then he pulls me in to hold me, as if he can caress away all the bad things that he imagines from my past. i don’t like upsetting him, so I don’t talk about the past very often.
Both you and Chase have used the term emotional blackmail when talking about Mahrc to me. You've both tried to make me see your way of looking at it I’m sorry, I can’t agree with you a hundred percent. It was what it was. If I was being coerced to stay, then for the good of my babies, I stayed. Sometimes I wasn’t happy, but I had my children for solace. Who knows what might have happened if Barido hadn’t ruined all our lives? Maybe I would have told Marhc to take his threats and shove them up his ass beside the stick he kept there. I can’t speak to it now, I don’t know how things would have played out.
I do know that the person I am now would not have put up with the things my younger self did. I would not have allowed myself to be emotionally manipulated and had my children’s welfare held over my head. So, maybe there is some truth in what you and Chase try to make me see. I don’t want to write about this anymore tonight. I’m going to go talk to Chase for a while and see if I can come to any other conclusions on the subject. And if not, he’ll make the “I Hate Harisse Face” and I’ll get some snogging and cuddling.
Fandom: Original Fiction - Lizards ‘verse
Series: Kat’s Therapy Journal
Prompt: Blackmail
Medium: FIC
Rating: Gen
Word Count: 751
Summary: Katrin reflects on her first marriage
Content Notes: No standard notes apply
22nd Brathos, 5434
Subject: Why I Didn’t Leave?
Why didn’t I leave Mahrc Harisse when I realized what kind of husband and father he was?
It seems like an easy question, but it really isn’t. Mahrc was my friend, we went to school together, we worked together, we were teammates. It was a natural progression to go from friends to dating to marriage. Looking back, I realize that I chose the wrong friend to pursue romance with, but it is easy to do that now, looking back through the eyes of age. Yeah, I should have gone with Hauck, but I chose Mahrc. What can I say? I was a foolish girl and chose poorly.
I didn’t know I was unhappy because I had no basis of comparison at the time.
So why did I stay? Early on, it was because he was still my friend and things had not gotten that bad yet. He was also still my commanding officer and our team leader. I had to work with him, I had learned to work with him over the years and that extended to living with him, I learned how to get on with a minimum of fuss.
I didn’t understand what it meant for him to be a Calvist. I didn’t have a religious upbringing the way he did. I didn’t understand how big a part of him and his way of thinking his faith really was. By the time I did comprehend the scope, it was too late. I was carrying our first child, Tia.
Honestly, I couldn’t leave because he wouldn’t let me. He threatened to take the baby away from me if I tried to go, he even made threats about having me deported back to Gallia, and told me he would never let me see Tia again. Rather than make waves, or risk losing my child, I stayed and made nice. I found a way to live with him.
It’s very easy to point the faults out now. Easy to pick apart my first husband and our relationship and find the holes and the problems. But I wasn’t truly miserable. I just wasn’t fulfilled at the time. As long as I didn’t try to go against his wishes, everything was fine between us. There was just that threat of losing my children if I tried to go, though he never mentioned it aloud after that first argument.
Chase makes up for all the years I didn’t have a loving and nurturing partner. He really is my partner. We share everything. We have this life that we’re building together. That is new for me. He doesn’t like hearing about how things were with Mahrc, the things that I put up with, the way I was treated. It makes him angry on my behalf. Any time he finds something out, hears it from me or someone else, he makes this angry face that I’ve started calling his “I Hate Harrisse Face” then he pulls me in to hold me, as if he can caress away all the bad things that he imagines from my past. i don’t like upsetting him, so I don’t talk about the past very often.
Both you and Chase have used the term emotional blackmail when talking about Mahrc to me. You've both tried to make me see your way of looking at it I’m sorry, I can’t agree with you a hundred percent. It was what it was. If I was being coerced to stay, then for the good of my babies, I stayed. Sometimes I wasn’t happy, but I had my children for solace. Who knows what might have happened if Barido hadn’t ruined all our lives? Maybe I would have told Marhc to take his threats and shove them up his ass beside the stick he kept there. I can’t speak to it now, I don’t know how things would have played out.
I do know that the person I am now would not have put up with the things my younger self did. I would not have allowed myself to be emotionally manipulated and had my children’s welfare held over my head. So, maybe there is some truth in what you and Chase try to make me see. I don’t want to write about this anymore tonight. I’m going to go talk to Chase for a while and see if I can come to any other conclusions on the subject. And if not, he’ll make the “I Hate Harisse Face” and I’ll get some snogging and cuddling.